Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
