I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
