Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
