If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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