The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my shit smells like andre
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
