hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
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