i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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