I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize