my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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