Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize