Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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