A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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