I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
