I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
