someone threw a dead crab at me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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