It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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