My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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