were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
