Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
