First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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