imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
