I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
