I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
