from now on my penis is your penis
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
