If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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