I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
