I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
