So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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