You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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