i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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