just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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