and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
