Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
someone owes me an orgasm
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
