so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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