Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
