go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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