do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
