every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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