cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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