he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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