ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
