Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
