Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize