Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
