my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
