so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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