nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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