Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
it's like iHOP with fire
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
