I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
