Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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