Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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