I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
