He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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