he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
