I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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