One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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