he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
