When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
