Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
