Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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