They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize