Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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