I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
