wrigley field is MILF paradise
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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